Blinded By Hurt

I’m Not A Selfish Person, I Know I Can Have Everything That I Want. But When You’ve Been Waiting Like Three Years For Something, You Want It More Everyday. It’s Just Not Fair That For A Person That Has To Work For Everything She Wants, It’s Always That Person Or That Thing That Doesn’t Thing You Deserve It. I Watch People Who Don’t Deserve Anything, Who Don’t Have To Work For Anything, Get Everything. It Wasn’t My Choice To Be Here But The Least I Could Decide Is The Little Things I Want. I Don’t Really Ask For Anything Because I Believe If I Want Something, I Have To Be Responsible And Get It On My Own. But Every Once In A Blue Moon I Can’t Control Everything And I Can’t Decide Things On My Own And I Have To Wait For Others.-If I Was Him She Wouldn’t Have Cared If HE Apologized, Because Her Love For Him Would Be More. If I Was Him, I Could Say Anything I Want, Even If She Cried And Know By Tomorrow, I’ll Still Have Her On My Side. But I’m Not Him, I’m Me And She Always Wants An Apology, Makes Me Cry, And It’s Not Us Against The World.-It’s Me Against The World. Every Time I Cry, I Remind Myself, This Is Why I Work So Hard, Because I Never Want Anyone To Make Me Cry Again.

Success Drives

Success Drives Me, But I Could Never Seem To Do It Alone. Every Time I Get A Good Idea Or A Plan About Something I Want To Do I Always Have To Drag Someone Along With Me. I Alternately Put In Most Or All Of The Work. I Don’t Know What I’m Afraid Of I’m All For Independence But Sometimes It’s Nice To Know I Have Someone Beside Me. I Have To Learn In Life There Is Going To Be Things I Have To Do Alone. Certain Things I Can’t Get Help With. The Thought Is Someone Frightening, Like Can I REALLY Make It Alone? By Myself? Well I Guess I’ll Have Too Because 99.99 Percent Of The Time I Spend More Time Dragging The People I Want To Standing Beside Me Instead Of Us Enjoying The Moments Together. My New Motto “Stop Dragging, Start Living”.

Mistakes Happen; But Am I?

I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.

My Train Ride

I Was On The Train On My Way Home, And Then I Saw Him. He Got On The Train With His Five Friends And My Attention Instantly Caught To Him. While He Conversed With Three Of His Friends, I Watched Him. I Mean Really Watched Him. No In Some Creepy Kind’ve Way. I Just Tried To See Beyond His Perfect White Smile And Those Grayish Blue Eyes Of His. I Saw No Sad, Angry Or Any Hate In His Eyes Only Love And Happiness And Peace. And It Got Me To Thinking, What If I Knew Him? If I Had The Courage To Stand Up And Be Accepted Or Denied. 50-50 Chance But It Wasn’t A Chance I Was Willing To Take. So For The 10 Minutes I Still Had Left On The Train I Watched Him, And Of Course Our Eyes Met A Couple Of Times, But They Were So Beautiful. If I Had No One Chance To See Him, I’d Call It Fate.

From Child To Parent

I Went To The Doctor And My Mom Came. Usually She’s Comes In The Room, Nothing New. But My Previous Visit To The Doctor (2011), My Doctor Discovered My Tattoo On My Stomach And The Piercing In My Belly. Conveniently My Mother Wasn’t There. In That Visit My Doctor Explained That Honesty Was A Good Thing And I Should Be Honest And Let My Parents Know. Some Who Read My Blog Knows The Story Of How My Mother Came To Find Out About My Tattoo, (My EX-Bestfriend Got Caught Blah Blah Blah Next Five Minutes I’m Going Down Too, One Word BETRAYAL, Hence The Ex Before Bestfriend) My Parents Were Really Upset, What Parents Wouldn’t Be? They Nearly Killed Me, And In That Time They Told Me If There Was Anything They Should Know About I Should Come Clean And Let Them Know Now. I Was So Scared In That Moment I Said There Was Nothing They Should Know, And I Was Sure Of It. I Hate Being In The Position Where My Parents And I Are On Bad Terms. Prior To That Moment I Removed My Piercing Because I Was Trying To Make My Relationship With My Parents Better. Now In This Present Moment The Doctor Said “I See You’ve Removed Your Piercing But You Still Have Your Tattoo” Right In Front Of My Mother…My Heart Stopped. When My Mother Asked If I Had A Piercing, I Was Honest And Said Yes. She Was So Upset Walked Out And Immediately Called My Father. The Old Me Would’ve Been Balling In Tears Pleading For My Life But I Just Couldn’t. I Had No More Tears. I’ve Been In This Position So Many Times I Am Numb When It Comes To It. I Couldn’t Bring Myself To Cry It Was More Hilarious Than Anything Else. Not Because I Didn’t Care But Because I’m Finally Free.  My Parents Didn’t Understand That I Removed My Piercing To Gain A Better Relationship With Them, Not Appease Them. But Without That Understanding They Said They No Longer Trust Me. Which I’ve Heard Before. But I Can’t Stop Smiling, I Know They’ll Come Around But Until Then I’m On Strike. I Refuse To Have Any Conversation With Them Unless, They Need Me Or I Need Them. Nevertheless I Still Have My Phone Which I’m SHOCKED About, Usually They Would’ve Taken It And I’m Awaiting The Moment. But With Or Without My Phone I’m Happy, I Like To Read And Write So Unless Their Planning To Lock Me In A Room With Nothing … I’ll Be Fine.

Buenas Tarde

Good Afternoon, 🙂 , I Spent Monday Until Today At My Father’s House To See My Grandfather’s Departure. Today Has Been Pretty Good, Nothing Gone Wrong So Far. I’m Less Petulant And More Calm Even Though I’ve Thought About Smacking People. I’m Focused On Becoming Better In Spanish So I Can Speak It Fluently. I Discovered Today A Whole Bunch Of Boys (3) Has Suddenly Taken An Interest In Me. Unfortunately, Yo Quiero Solomente Una Persona Pero Otro TomĂł Su CorazĂłn, But I’m Okay With It And I Respect The Decision Porque Now I Can Learn There Are Bigger Problemas Besides Mine.

My Emotions…

I Think That I Will Be Crying Myself To Sleep Tonight. Nobody Knows How Much I Really Hurt Because I Don’t Want People To Think I’m Weak. It Hurts Me To Know That My Parents No Longer Trust Me Because Of Some Stupid Idiotic Mistake. And I’m Trying So Hard To Gain A Better Relationship With Them. When I’m Telling The Truth They Prefer To Believe Everyone Else Instead Of Me. I Have No One To Blame It’s My Fault But I’m Trying. I’m Trying To Change And Everything They Don’t Like About Me I Try To Fix It But This Is Who I Am. The Fact That I’m Trying To Change Who I Am For Them Should Count And It Doesn’t. When My Mother Looks Me In My Face And Tells Me She Doesn’t Believe Me Hurts Me So Much And I Don’t Want Her Pity So I Refuse To Cry About This With Her And Show Her How Much It Kills Me. I Feel Like I’m Worth Close To Nothing When My Parents Doubt Me And Chooses Someone Else Over Me. I’m Just Scared ….