Some times I want to stand on top of the highest building and share my pain with the world. Some times I get so confused with everything and everyone around me that I forget who I am. And I’m scared of what the future holds, I’m scared that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I literally sit and think myself to the point of my eyes burning but I can’t bring myself to cry because it’s pointless. And I feel so numb, so unfufilled, so empty. And I want to find purpose. I want to be who I was born to be. And then I ask myself who am I? But I’m confused at the question myself because I was pretty sure I knew exactly who I was. Then there’s word like was, that halts me. I should know who I am, I shouldn’t be unsure. But my world is always consumed by other peoples live, and problems, that there is no time for me. No time for me to find myself because I’m so busy finding everyone else. And it’s funny that I know the problem, and possibly the solution but I’m still faced with who am I? I’ve become everyone’s definition of me that it took over and washed away the real me. And I’ve pushed and fought but it was too much because I had too many people viewing me, loudly. Putting their judgments on me, and their perceptions of who I should be, and their morals and their beliefs, and their meanings of Karen Marie. But when can their theirs, be what’s coming from me? And I’m so much grounded, deep within my facade, that even I began to believe what everyone had to say. And because my inner voice had gotten so small, when it started to shout, I started hitting into brick walls because I didn’t know my own voice. I’m a stranger to myself. I’m crying out, trying to find help but the only person that can help me is me. So I sink into the ironic familiar feeling of loneliness, to discover who I am.
I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.
Hello Wonderful People, I Believe Today Will Be A Good Day (Hopefully), Last Night My Mother Was On The Phone With My Father (No Longer Married But Still Interacts) And She Said She Still Haven’t Address My Issues (Referring To When She Found Out About My Belly Piercing-3days ago) So I’m Thinking When She Does Address It Should I Apologize? That’s What She Would Be Expecting Because “It’s The Right Thing To Do” But Come On. She Doesn’t Even Know My Reasoning Behind Taking It Out And I’m Not Telling Her. And I Don’t Want To Get Into All The Details Because She Said She Doesn’t Really Care. And Too Top Things Off, Remember That Ex-Bestfriend After The Whole Tattoo Thing We’ve Have Conflict Like Physical Conflict And She Would Say Little Comment Here And There While My Mother Told Me Not To Engage In It, And One Of Those Comments Were “Every Thinks Karen Is So Innocent Because She Goes To Church, But They Don’t Know The Half Of What She Does.” … If You Look Like :O , That Was My Face Too. Well My Mother Said She’s Glad She Said That And She’s Glad She’s Been Saying Little Things To Me Because I Deserved It And If She Was Too See My Ex-Bestfriend On The Street She Would Tell Her Thank You …. Yes My Mother, The One Who Raised Me Through Hell And Back, The One I Adored, The One I Loved Til The Ends Of The Earth, The One I Looked Up Too, The One That Even Though She Didn’t Trust Me I Trusted Her With All My Heart … Now Look At All The D’s-Raised, Adored, Loved, Looked, Trusted- That’s Where She Put Me …
Just Like Always I’m Unhappy. I Started Off My Day Great, Went To A Movie Screening With My Friends, Had Some Food, Walked Around, And Had A Great Deal Of Fun. That Is Until I Got Home. My Father Called Me And Told Me He Noticed I Had 29 Lateness From September Until Now. Some Of You Know For Part Of The School Year I Stayed By My Fathers House But Now I’m Back With My Mom. He Was Upset, Like Really Upset. I Tried To Explain That Being Late Doesn’t Affect My Grades But Of Course That’s Not What He Heard He Heard ‘I Don’t Have To Get To School On Time Because I’m Smart’ Im Sorry Maybe I’m Delirious But These Two Things Have Different Meanings.-I Begin To Cry Out Of Frustration And Confusion But Mostly Because I’m Sensitive-Then He Starts Calling Me A Liar Because He Asked Me If I Was Getting To School On Time And I Said Yes. WHAT THE HELL! Every Morning I Called My Mom Around The Same Time So 1.That Proves I Leave The Same Time Everyday. 2.And It Just Pissed Me Off That She Was Mad And Didn’t Even Acknowledge The Fact That I Called Her. My Parents And I Have An Agreement If I Get Good Grades I Can Get Gifts. So 91 Average Meant A Laptop And My New Phone. All Of A Sudden I Cant Get It, Why? BECAUSE I WAS LATE TO SCHOOL! Doesn’t That Make Them Liars, Too? They Promised Me Things I Now Can’t Get. They Talked And Talked To Try To Make ME Understand Why I Was Wrong. I’m Sorry I’m Not The Type Of Person To Apologize If I Don’t Think I’m Wrong And I Honestly Don’t Think I’m Wrong. The Train And Bus Run On There Ob Schedule, I Can’t Jump In Front Of Them And Tell The To Go Fast. Im Not Saying Its All There Faults Just Saying It Partially There Faults. I’ve Been In School For 8Months Approximately 6Weeks In Every Month And Out Of All Those Days I Was Late 29 Days. Maybe Theres 30 Days Of School And I Was Late 29 Times, Maybe. Now They Want Me To Go To Sleep Earlier, I Didnt Know They Controlled My Sleep. Only God Does And I Know For A Fact My Parents Aren’t God. I Hate My Parents-Well Their Actions But That’s Apart Of Them So I Sumed It Up. Maybe If I Start Failing And Be On Time, Everything Would Be Peachy. I Try My Hardest To Please Them But Their So Freaking Ungrateful It’s Unbelievable. I Can’t Be Their ‘Trophy Child’ And Then The Treat Me Like Crap. Sometimes I Want To Yell LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE Really Loud. I May Be Just A Kid In There Books But I’m Old Enough, They Make Me So Unhappy. Sometimes We Have Fun And Play Around But Eventually Reality Sets In, Their Bi-Polar And I’m Offically Done. I Can’t Say I Don’t NEED Them But I’ve Drawn A Box Around Myself And They Aren’t Allowed. Some Could Say I’m Stubborn But I Don’t Care. I Cant Live With This Stress And Pressure. Pedestals Are Really High And Some Eventually Break.
Good Night Or Should I Say Good Morning. Today Was So Good, I Tell Myself This And I Am Fine With It. I’m Taking Control. I Realized This Day Was Going Too Perfect And I Was Prepared For Reality To Set Which It Did Eventually. I Lost My Earring In School And Had To Go Home Earring-less. Earrings Bring Out My Face So On My Way Home I Was ‘Plain Jane-Well Plain Karen But-‘ And Then I Get Home, Time Has Past And I Discover My Tablet Broken. It Is White When I Turn It On And I Don’t Even Understand How That Came About. I Was At School All Day And I Didn’t Touch It Until That Very Moment. I’m Upset At This Point, It Was A Gift And When I Told My Mother She Said The Most Unbelievable Thing To Me “Well You Want To Be Careless…” CARELESS? CARELESS? I Know For A Fact That I Am Not, I Take Care Of What’s Mine Because I Value My Things. I Know For A Fact That I Do, For A Fact. At That Point I Just Wanted To Go To Bed, I Go To Brush My Hair And I Placed My Glasses On The Sink And It Broke. What The Hell? I Didn’t Drop It Hard I Would Never, You Know Why? Because I Need It To See. I Could See Without Them But Everything Becomes Clearer. So As You Can See I Had A Horrible Day And It Hasn’t Ended Yet. 😦 😦 :(- Good Night.
Some People May Look At Me As A Little Child Or Someone Inexperienced, Others May Say I’m Mature And Trustworthy. The Problem With These Things Is That I’ve Been Forced To Believe What Others Think I Am Rather Than Who I Really Am. But When What’s Been Told To Me Starts Crashing Because Of Their Opposite Meanings, Where Does That Leave Me? So I’ve Spent Most Of My Morning Trying To Think Of Who I Am And I Came Up With Nothing. So I Figure Without People I Nothing? But I Don’t Want To Believe That. I Want To Know Exactly Who I Am On My Own.
I Am Kind’ve Annoyed. Now Adays I Feel As If I Don’t Control Anything, Not Even Myself. How Can One Thing Change Your Life So Much You Hate Yourself For It? But Me, Karen? Out Of All People Hate Herself? Once I Thought There Wasn’t Anything In The World That I Loved More. I’m At The Point In My Life That Being Myself Just Isn’t Enough.Does That Explain People’s Lack Of Interest In Me? I Could Sit And Think Of All The Things That Occurs In My Life And I’ll Begin To Cry Because There’s Only One Thing In My Life That I Can’t Change And It’s The Past.