Blinded By Hurt

I’m Not A Selfish Person, I Know I Can Have Everything That I Want. But When You’ve Been Waiting Like Three Years For Something, You Want It More Everyday. It’s Just Not Fair That For A Person That Has To Work For Everything She Wants, It’s Always That Person Or That Thing That Doesn’t Thing You Deserve It. I Watch People Who Don’t Deserve Anything, Who Don’t Have To Work For Anything, Get Everything. It Wasn’t My Choice To Be Here But The Least I Could Decide Is The Little Things I Want. I Don’t Really Ask For Anything Because I Believe If I Want Something, I Have To Be Responsible And Get It On My Own. But Every Once In A Blue Moon I Can’t Control Everything And I Can’t Decide Things On My Own And I Have To Wait For Others.-If I Was Him She Wouldn’t Have Cared If HE Apologized, Because Her Love For Him Would Be More. If I Was Him, I Could Say Anything I Want, Even If She Cried And Know By Tomorrow, I’ll Still Have Her On My Side. But I’m Not Him, I’m Me And She Always Wants An Apology, Makes Me Cry, And It’s Not Us Against The World.-It’s Me Against The World. Every Time I Cry, I Remind Myself, This Is Why I Work So Hard, Because I Never Want Anyone To Make Me Cry Again.

Good Morning ….!!!!

Hello Wonderful People, I Believe Today Will Be A Good Day (Hopefully), Last Night My Mother Was On The Phone With My Father (No Longer Married But Still Interacts) And She Said She Still Haven’t Address My Issues (Referring To When She Found Out About My Belly Piercing-3days ago) So I’m Thinking When She Does Address It Should I Apologize? That’s What She Would Be Expecting Because “It’s The Right Thing To Do” But Come On. She Doesn’t Even Know My Reasoning Behind Taking It Out And I’m Not Telling Her. And I Don’t Want To Get Into All The Details Because She Said She Doesn’t Really Care. And Too Top Things Off, Remember That Ex-Bestfriend After The Whole Tattoo Thing We’ve Have Conflict Like Physical Conflict And She Would Say Little Comment Here And There While My Mother Told Me Not To Engage In It, And One Of Those Comments Were “Every Thinks Karen Is So Innocent Because She Goes To Church, But They Don’t Know The Half Of What She Does.” … If You Look Like :O , That Was My Face Too. Well My Mother Said She’s Glad She Said That And She’s Glad She’s Been Saying Little Things To Me Because I Deserved It And If She Was Too See My Ex-Bestfriend On The Street She Would Tell Her Thank You …. Yes My Mother, The One Who Raised Me Through Hell And Back, The One I Adored, The One I Loved Til The Ends Of The Earth, The One I Looked Up Too, The One That Even Though She Didn’t Trust Me I Trusted Her With All My Heart … Now Look At All The D’s-Raised, Adored, Loved, Looked, Trusted- That’s Where She Put Me …

From Child To Parent

I Went To The Doctor And My Mom Came. Usually She’s Comes In The Room, Nothing New. But My Previous Visit To The Doctor (2011), My Doctor Discovered My Tattoo On My Stomach And The Piercing In My Belly. Conveniently My Mother Wasn’t There. In That Visit My Doctor Explained That Honesty Was A Good Thing And I Should Be Honest And Let My Parents Know. Some Who Read My Blog Knows The Story Of How My Mother Came To Find Out About My Tattoo, (My EX-Bestfriend Got Caught Blah Blah Blah Next Five Minutes I’m Going Down Too, One Word BETRAYAL, Hence The Ex Before Bestfriend) My Parents Were Really Upset, What Parents Wouldn’t Be? They Nearly Killed Me, And In That Time They Told Me If There Was Anything They Should Know About I Should Come Clean And Let Them Know Now. I Was So Scared In That Moment I Said There Was Nothing They Should Know, And I Was Sure Of It. I Hate Being In The Position Where My Parents And I Are On Bad Terms. Prior To That Moment I Removed My Piercing Because I Was Trying To Make My Relationship With My Parents Better. Now In This Present Moment The Doctor Said “I See You’ve Removed Your Piercing But You Still Have Your Tattoo” Right In Front Of My Mother…My Heart Stopped. When My Mother Asked If I Had A Piercing, I Was Honest And Said Yes. She Was So Upset Walked Out And Immediately Called My Father. The Old Me Would’ve Been Balling In Tears Pleading For My Life But I Just Couldn’t. I Had No More Tears. I’ve Been In This Position So Many Times I Am Numb When It Comes To It. I Couldn’t Bring Myself To Cry It Was More Hilarious Than Anything Else. Not Because I Didn’t Care But Because I’m Finally Free.  My Parents Didn’t Understand That I Removed My Piercing To Gain A Better Relationship With Them, Not Appease Them. But Without That Understanding They Said They No Longer Trust Me. Which I’ve Heard Before. But I Can’t Stop Smiling, I Know They’ll Come Around But Until Then I’m On Strike. I Refuse To Have Any Conversation With Them Unless, They Need Me Or I Need Them. Nevertheless I Still Have My Phone Which I’m SHOCKED About, Usually They Would’ve Taken It And I’m Awaiting The Moment. But With Or Without My Phone I’m Happy, I Like To Read And Write So Unless Their Planning To Lock Me In A Room With Nothing … I’ll Be Fine.

Got To Be Kidden’

Just Like Always I’m Unhappy. I Started Off My Day Great, Went To A Movie Screening With My Friends, Had Some Food, Walked Around, And Had A Great Deal Of Fun. That Is Until I Got Home. My Father Called Me And Told Me He Noticed I Had 29 Lateness From September Until Now. Some Of You Know For Part Of The School Year I Stayed By My Fathers House But Now I’m Back With My Mom. He Was Upset, Like Really Upset. I Tried To Explain That Being Late Doesn’t Affect My Grades But Of Course That’s Not What He Heard He Heard ‘I Don’t Have To Get To School On Time Because I’m Smart’ Im Sorry Maybe I’m Delirious But These Two Things Have Different Meanings.-I Begin To Cry Out Of Frustration And Confusion But Mostly Because I’m Sensitive-Then He Starts Calling Me A Liar Because He Asked Me If I Was Getting To School On Time And I Said Yes. WHAT THE HELL! Every Morning I Called My Mom Around The Same Time So 1.That Proves I Leave The Same Time Everyday. 2.And It Just Pissed Me Off That She Was Mad And Didn’t Even Acknowledge The Fact That I Called Her. My Parents And I Have An Agreement If I Get Good Grades I Can Get Gifts. So 91 Average Meant A Laptop And My New Phone. All Of A Sudden I Cant Get It, Why? BECAUSE I WAS LATE TO SCHOOL! Doesn’t That Make Them Liars, Too? They Promised Me Things I Now Can’t Get. They Talked And Talked To Try To Make ME Understand Why I Was Wrong. I’m Sorry I’m Not The Type Of Person To Apologize If I Don’t Think I’m Wrong And I Honestly Don’t Think I’m Wrong. The Train And Bus Run On There Ob Schedule, I Can’t Jump In Front Of Them And Tell The To Go Fast. Im Not Saying Its All There Faults Just Saying It Partially There Faults. I’ve Been In School For 8Months Approximately 6Weeks In Every Month And Out Of All Those Days I Was Late 29 Days. Maybe Theres 30 Days Of School And I Was Late 29 Times, Maybe. Now They Want Me To Go To Sleep Earlier, I Didnt Know They Controlled My Sleep. Only God Does And I Know For A Fact My Parents Aren’t God. I Hate My Parents-Well Their Actions But That’s Apart Of Them So I Sumed It Up. Maybe If I Start Failing And Be On Time, Everything Would Be Peachy. I Try My Hardest To Please Them But Their So Freaking Ungrateful It’s Unbelievable. I Can’t Be Their ‘Trophy Child’ And Then The Treat Me Like Crap. Sometimes I Want To Yell LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE Really Loud. I May Be Just A Kid In There Books But I’m Old Enough, They Make Me So Unhappy. Sometimes We Have Fun And Play Around But Eventually Reality Sets In, Their Bi-Polar And I’m Offically Done. I Can’t Say I Don’t NEED Them But I’ve Drawn A Box Around Myself And They Aren’t Allowed. Some Could Say I’m Stubborn But I Don’t Care. I Cant Live With This Stress And Pressure. Pedestals Are Really High And Some Eventually Break.

On-Again, Off-Again

Good Late Morning, Remember That On-Again Off-Again Boy I Was Telling You Guys About? Well I Was Speaking To Him Yesterday. I’m Trying To Cut Off All Communication Because I Know He Can’t Just Be Friends With Me. Throughout Our Whole Conversation I Felt As He Didn’t Want Me For Me But Because I Was Safe And Unpredictable. But I Deserve Better, Right? Now I’m In School And I See Him And It Had Me Thinking, Could I Have Been That Naive? All Along Right In Front Of My Eyes What I’ve Been Trying To Protect Myself From I Was Playing With. I Was Fighting Fire With Teenage Love. But Love Isn’t What It Was At All, I Was In Love With The Idea Of Being In Love, Not Him. But What IF I’m Just Fooling Myself To Make It Easier To Walk Away? If I Am It’s Working But Walking Is What Im Doing.

My Emotions…

I Think That I Will Be Crying Myself To Sleep Tonight. Nobody Knows How Much I Really Hurt Because I Don’t Want People To Think I’m Weak. It Hurts Me To Know That My Parents No Longer Trust Me Because Of Some Stupid Idiotic Mistake. And I’m Trying So Hard To Gain A Better Relationship With Them. When I’m Telling The Truth They Prefer To Believe Everyone Else Instead Of Me. I Have No One To Blame It’s My Fault But I’m Trying. I’m Trying To Change And Everything They Don’t Like About Me I Try To Fix It But This Is Who I Am. The Fact That I’m Trying To Change Who I Am For Them Should Count And It Doesn’t. When My Mother Looks Me In My Face And Tells Me She Doesn’t Believe Me Hurts Me So Much And I Don’t Want Her Pity So I Refuse To Cry About This With Her And Show Her How Much It Kills Me. I Feel Like I’m Worth Close To Nothing When My Parents Doubt Me And Chooses Someone Else Over Me. I’m Just Scared ….