Some times I want to stand on top of the highest building and share my pain with the world. Some times I get so confused with everything and everyone around me that I forget who I am. And I’m scared of what the future holds, I’m scared that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I literally sit and think myself to the point of my eyes burning but I can’t bring myself to cry because it’s pointless. And I feel so numb, so unfufilled, so empty. And I want to find purpose. I want to be who I was born to be. And then I ask myself who am I? But I’m confused at the question myself because I was pretty sure I knew exactly who I was. Then there’s word like was, that halts me. I should know who I am, I shouldn’t be unsure. But my world is always consumed by other peoples live, and problems, that there is no time for me. No time for me to find myself because I’m so busy finding everyone else. And it’s funny that I know the problem, and possibly the solution but I’m still faced with who am I? I’ve become everyone’s definition of me that it took over and washed away the real me. And I’ve pushed and fought but it was too much because I had too many people viewing me, loudly. Putting their judgments on me, and their perceptions of who I should be, and their morals and their beliefs, and their meanings of Karen Marie. But when can their theirs, be what’s coming from me? And I’m so much grounded, deep within my facade, that even I began to believe what everyone had to say. And because my inner voice had gotten so small, when it started to shout, I started hitting into brick walls because I didn’t know my own voice. I’m a stranger to myself. I’m crying out, trying to find help but the only person that can help me is me. So I sink into the ironic familiar feeling of loneliness, to discover who I am.
I Don’t Understand How The World We Live In Works Some Times. I’ve Been Working So Have To Be The Valedictorian Or The Salutatorian At My School And It Seems Like My Principal Has Done Everything In Her Power To Hinder Me. I Have Been In That School Since The Sixth Grade. Shouldn’t She Be Proud For Me To Be On The Top, Unfortunately I Believe She Is Not. So In The End She Succeeded And I’m No Longer Any Of The Two. With Graduation Less Than 2 Weeks Away, The Opportunities I Have Been Reaching For For Four Years Have Been Snatched Away From Me. For A While I Tried To pretend That I Was Okay With Whatever Decision She Came To, But I’m Not. I’m Angry, I’m So Angry To The Point Where I Began To Cry. No One Really Understands Because They View It As Just A Title But It’s So Much More Than That To Me. It’s My Accomplishments, And It’s What I’ve Worked So Hard For. And It Was So Close And The Person That Stood In Between Me And The Thing i Wanted The Most, Has Taken It Away From Me. Why Can’t I Just Get Awarded What I Know I Worked So Hard For? Why Can’t I Get What I Want For A Change? They’re Are Students Out There Who Aren’t Even Focused On Their Education As Much As I Am Or Dedicated And Those Are Mostly The Students Who Think It’s Dumb Of Me To Be Crying Over Something As “Stupid” As A Title. But It’s Different, It’s My Success And I Want Whats Due To Me, I Want My Credit.
Being A Parent Comes With Scarifies. It Seems As If The World Doesn’t Understand That, Because It’s Like I Owe You Something. But I Never Asked To Be Here, Or To Take Up The Life That Has Been Force Upon Me. And Because Of The Position You Hold In My Life I Have To Give You Respect And Sit Here Humbly. I Also Realize Our Relationship Is Taking A Turn When I Begin Counting Down The Days Where I Can Support Myself, Where I No Longer Am Your Responsibility, Where The Word Disrespect Becomes Speaking My Mind, Where You Stop Being The Reason I Cry. And I Thought You Wanted Me To Be Great, To Accomplish The Things That I’ve Imagined In My Dreams. But It Make No Sense To Push And Encourage Me When You’re Also Going To Be The Thing That Hinders Me, That Deceives Me Into Believing That I Am Something Great. When My Life Is In The Palms Of Your Hand, And You Won’t Give Me What’s Mine To Take. Because I Never Asked To Be Here. I’m Just An Insignificant Piece Of The World That Could’ve Been Changed With The Fate Of One Egg. And Somewhere In Between, When Did Your Sacrifices Become Mine? And When Did I Have To Give Up Everything Just To Appease Your Sacrifice. But If This Life Was Never My Choice, Why Does It Have To Be My Lost? And Now I’m Giving Up Hope And Love, And Belief And Trust Because The Things I’m Supposed To Get Them Out Of Has Died. Being Here Wasn’t My Choice, But I’m Living By Choice, So When Do I Get To Take Over This Ride…
I Ask Myself, Why Do I Constantly Want To Be Alone. I Often Come Up Short With Answers, However That Doesn’t Last Too Long. People Annoy Me, Things Annoy Me, The World Annoys Me, And I’m Stuck Hating Everything And Everyone. I Just Don’t Understand Some People, Or Maybe It’s Just Me. Maybe My Definition Of Friendship Isn’t The Same As Everyone Else. Or Maybe I’m Crazy And I’m The One Who Has To Change. But Yet, I’m Keeping Everyone Happy, And I’m Stuck With The Same Problems. Different People, Different Days, But The Same Situations. And I Tolerate It, Why? Beats Me, Because I Honestly Don’t Know. When Is Enough, Enough? When Can I Finally Be The Person That’s Not Okay? When Can I Have Fun And Not Be So Serious All The Time? When Can I Be Myself And Not Adjust To The Person Everyone Want Me To Be? When Can I Just Be Me? Everyone Wants Me To Change But They Can’t See They’re Making Me The Person I Am Today. Angry, Doubtful, Unsure, Emotionless, Uncaring, Anti-social, And The List Goes On… I’m Living In A World With So Much People, And Yet I’m Alone. But I’m Not Lonely.
Sometimes I Make Some Really Bad Decisions. Decisions That Affect Other People. And I Find Myself Literally Crying Myself To Sleep Because I Got Into To Bed Feeling Horrible About Myself, When A Lot Of People Don’t Care About Me Or How I Feel. As A Result I Don’t Let Myself Love Or Trust Because I’m Afraid To Be Hurt. Because I Feel Like I’ve Made So Many Bad Decisions That Karma Has Caught Up To Me And Will Leave Me With Nothing. Nothing To Call Mine. Because I Feel Like Everything I Get Is Bound To Be Taken Because I’m Selfish And It Took Having Nothing To Realize That. It Takes Pain To Make Me Realize It’s Real, I Don’t Know How To Just Be Me Without Complications.
Someone Told Me Today That I Need To Learn to Trust. Everyone Collaboratively Agreed That Their First Impression Of Me Was A (B)unny (I)n (T)he (C)rack (H)ouse. I Was Also Told That I’m A Very Closed Person But I Am Also Very Generous, And That I Would Give The Shirt Off My Back To Someone. That I’m Afraid Of Being Hurt So I Build This Wall So No One Can Past. That Being Said, I Believe This Is True. After All I’ve Been Through, Situation Wise. I Just Want To Protect Myself And My Emotions/Feelings. Because When I Break, I Break And I Want To Be Strong, For Myself. And If That Means Not Letting Anyone In, So Be It.
I Haven’t Been On Here In Awhile And I Didn’t Think My First Post Would Have Been Me Upset And At 2:16 am On A Friday Morning. I Went Out And Prior To That I Asked My Father for My Keys, The Keys By The Way That I Lent To Him Because He Had “Visitors” Staying At His Home. He Said No And Now I’m Calling Everyone And Their Mother To Open The Door For Me And Everyone Wants To Move All Slow Like I Wasn’t Waiting Outside. And The Door Slams If You Don’t Catch It And On This Particular Occasion The Very LAST Thing On M Mind Is Catching The Door Because Now I’m Upset. As A Result Of That My Baby Sister Destiny Starts To Cry. Let Me Just Point Out That This Could Have All Been Avoid If He Had Just Given Me The Keys. It’s Clear To Me Now That There Isn’t Enough Space In This House For Me. Now That My Father And His Wife Has Their Baby, She Has Taken My Spot, Kind Of What Some People Wanted All Along. But I’m Old Enough And I’m Able To Understand The Things I Couldn’t Understand When I Was Younger. I Can’t Even Be Hurt, I’m Just So Pissed Off Because It’s Like When I Was Younger All Over Again. He Wasn’t There Then, Apparently He Won’t Be Here Now.