Give Me What’s Mine…..

I Don’t Understand How The World We Live In Works Some Times. I’ve Been Working So Have To Be The Valedictorian Or The Salutatorian At My School And It Seems Like My Principal Has Done Everything In Her Power To Hinder Me. I Have Been In That School Since The Sixth Grade. Shouldn’t She Be Proud For Me To Be On The Top, Unfortunately I Believe She Is Not. So In The End She Succeeded And I’m No Longer Any Of The Two. With Graduation Less Than 2 Weeks Away, The Opportunities I Have Been Reaching For For Four Years Have Been Snatched Away From Me. For A While I Tried To pretend That I Was Okay With Whatever Decision She Came To, But I’m Not. I’m Angry, I’m So Angry To The Point Where I Began To Cry. No One Really Understands Because They View It As Just A Title But It’s So Much More Than That To Me. It’s My Accomplishments, And It’s What I’ve Worked So Hard For. And It Was So Close And The Person That Stood In Between Me And The Thing i Wanted The Most, Has Taken It Away From Me. Why Can’t I Just Get Awarded What I Know I Worked So Hard For? Why Can’t I Get What I Want For A Change? They’re Are Students Out There Who Aren’t Even Focused On Their Education As Much As I Am Or Dedicated And Those Are Mostly The Students Who Think It’s Dumb Of Me To Be Crying Over Something As “Stupid” As A Title. But It’s Different, It’s My Success And I Want Whats Due To Me, I Want My Credit.

Alone But Not Lonely

I Ask Myself, Why Do I Constantly Want To Be Alone. I Often Come Up Short With Answers, However That Doesn’t Last Too Long. People Annoy Me, Things Annoy Me, The World Annoys Me, And I’m Stuck Hating Everything And Everyone. I Just Don’t Understand Some People, Or Maybe It’s Just Me. Maybe My Definition Of Friendship Isn’t The Same As Everyone Else. Or Maybe I’m Crazy And I’m The One Who Has To Change. But Yet, I’m Keeping Everyone Happy, And I’m Stuck With The Same Problems. Different People, Different Days, But The Same Situations. And I Tolerate It, Why? Beats Me, Because I Honestly Don’t Know. When Is Enough, Enough? When Can I Finally Be The Person That’s Not Okay? When Can I Have Fun And Not Be So Serious All The Time? When Can I Be Myself And Not Adjust To The Person Everyone Want Me To Be? When Can I Just Be Me? Everyone Wants Me To Change But They Can’t See They’re Making Me The Person I Am Today. Angry, Doubtful, Unsure, Emotionless, Uncaring, Anti-social, And The List Goes On… I’m Living In A World With So Much People, And Yet I’m Alone. But I’m Not Lonely.

Early Morning Epiphany

I Haven’t Been On Here In Awhile And I Didn’t Think My First Post Would Have Been Me Upset And At 2:16 am On A Friday Morning. I Went Out And Prior To That I Asked My Father for My Keys, The Keys By The Way That I Lent To Him Because He Had “Visitors” Staying At His Home. He Said No And Now I’m Calling Everyone And Their Mother To Open The Door For Me And Everyone Wants To Move All Slow Like I Wasn’t Waiting Outside. And The Door Slams If You Don’t Catch It And On This Particular Occasion The Very LAST Thing On M Mind Is Catching The Door Because Now I’m Upset. As A Result Of That My Baby Sister Destiny Starts To Cry. Let Me Just Point Out That This Could Have All Been Avoid If He Had Just Given Me The Keys. It’s Clear To Me Now That There Isn’t Enough Space In This House For Me. Now That My Father And His Wife Has Their Baby, She Has Taken My Spot, Kind Of What Some People Wanted All Along. But I’m Old Enough And I’m Able To Understand The Things I Couldn’t Understand When I Was Younger. I Can’t Even Be Hurt, I’m Just So Pissed Off Because It’s Like When I Was Younger All Over Again. He Wasn’t There Then, Apparently He Won’t Be Here Now.

Mistakes Happen; But Am I?

I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.

Good Day!

Today Was Actually A Pretty Good Day. I Went To School And Got There Early. And I Also Got My Report Card And My Average Went Up. From 88 To 91 And I Am So Proud Of Myself.The Day Went By Semi-Fast. I Decided To Take The Long Way Home On The Bus To Spend Time Alone And When It Got To My Stop And I Got Off, I Felt Drizzles. Whoever Reads My Blog Know That I Love And Adore The Rain. In That Split Second I Didn’t Think About My Hair Or My Flats Getting Wet; It Was Just Me And The Rain. Thankfully I Had An Umbrella And Got Home Dry. When I Got In The House I Was Glad To See That No One Was There. It Gave Me An Opportunity To Run Butt Naked Around The House Lol (Just Kidding) It Gave Me Time To Read It Peace. I Actually Started Crying While I Was Reading “Betrayed” By P.C Cast And Kristin Cast, Because The Main Character Zoey, Best Friend/Roommate Stevie Rae Died And It Just Hurt My Heart. I Don’t Like To Think About Death, It’s Sad. (Really Quick Before I Cry I Want To Say I’m Sorry To Everyone Who Lost Someone Or Got Hurt During The Boston Marathon Bombing. Just Know I Will Pray For Everyone And I Hope You Can Be Strong) Then I Went To Sleep For About 5 Hours (It Was Great) And Now I’m Here Writing This. Sorry If You Didn’t Have A Great Day, Maybe Tomorrow Would Be Different. On That Note, Good Night.

My Emotions…

I Think That I Will Be Crying Myself To Sleep Tonight. Nobody Knows How Much I Really Hurt Because I Don’t Want People To Think I’m Weak. It Hurts Me To Know That My Parents No Longer Trust Me Because Of Some Stupid Idiotic Mistake. And I’m Trying So Hard To Gain A Better Relationship With Them. When I’m Telling The Truth They Prefer To Believe Everyone Else Instead Of Me. I Have No One To Blame It’s My Fault But I’m Trying. I’m Trying To Change And Everything They Don’t Like About Me I Try To Fix It But This Is Who I Am. The Fact That I’m Trying To Change Who I Am For Them Should Count And It Doesn’t. When My Mother Looks Me In My Face And Tells Me She Doesn’t Believe Me Hurts Me So Much And I Don’t Want Her Pity So I Refuse To Cry About This With Her And Show Her How Much It Kills Me. I Feel Like I’m Worth Close To Nothing When My Parents Doubt Me And Chooses Someone Else Over Me. I’m Just Scared ….

Everything Breaks Loose?

Hey Guys Remember When I Told You About My ‘Always Wanna Play The Innocent Role Of A Ex-Best Friend’? Well As Of Yesterday I Am Absolutely Positively Sure I HATE HER! Let Me Explain. Over The Past Few Weeks She Has Been Indirectly Saying Things About Me In Front Of Me. My Parents-Mostly My Mother-Told Me To Ignore It. This Worked For Awhile But Now I’m Tired. I Always Have To Hold My Tongue, Why? I’m Entitled To An Opinion Too. I Felt The Need To Speak Up Yesterday And All Of A Sudden I So Called Said I Wanted To Jump Her And Cursed Her Out. I Was Called Into The Dean’s Office To Explain What Happen And The Parts I Played.

Did I Forget To Mention Her Mother Called My Mother AGAIN? For The Third Time. My Mother Went Ballistic. Her Mom Said I Cursed Her Out And I Know For A Fact That I Didn’t. I Know I Made It Hard For My Parents To Trust Me But I Hate When I’m Telling The Truth And They Won’t Believe Me. Yesterday Night When I Was Telling My Mom The Story I Almost Started To Cry Because She Had This Look On Her Face That Showed She Was Unsure. I Finally Know How It Feels And That Hurts. I Have No Reason To Lie On My Blog. 98% Of You Guys Don’t Know Me So It Doesn’t Matter What I Tell You But I’m Trying To Change Into A 100% Honest Person And I Didn’t Curse At “That Girl.” I’m Furious And I Want This To Be Over, So That I Could Focus On Regaining My Parents Trust.