In Actuality… Me Without Complications

Sometimes I Make Some Really Bad Decisions. Decisions That Affect Other People. And I Find Myself Literally Crying Myself To Sleep Because I Got Into To Bed Feeling Horrible About Myself, When A Lot Of People Don’t Care About Me Or How I Feel. As A Result I Don’t Let Myself Love Or Trust Because I’m Afraid To Be Hurt. Because I Feel Like I’ve Made So Many Bad Decisions That Karma Has Caught Up To Me And Will Leave Me With Nothing. Nothing To Call Mine. Because I Feel Like Everything I Get Is Bound To Be Taken Because I’m Selfish And It Took Having Nothing To Realize That. It Takes Pain To Make Me Realize It’s Real, I Don’t Know How To Just Be Me Without Complications.

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On-Again, Off-Again

Good Late Morning, Remember That On-Again Off-Again Boy I Was Telling You Guys About? Well I Was Speaking To Him Yesterday. I’m Trying To Cut Off All Communication Because I Know He Can’t Just Be Friends With Me. Throughout Our Whole Conversation I Felt As He Didn’t Want Me For Me But Because I Was Safe And Unpredictable. But I Deserve Better, Right? Now I’m In School And I See Him And It Had Me Thinking, Could I Have Been That Naive? All Along Right In Front Of My Eyes What I’ve Been Trying To Protect Myself From I Was Playing With. I Was Fighting Fire With Teenage Love. But Love Isn’t What It Was At All, I Was In Love With The Idea Of Being In Love, Not Him. But What IF I’m Just Fooling Myself To Make It Easier To Walk Away? If I Am It’s Working But Walking Is What Im Doing.

Everything Breaks Loose?

Hey Guys Remember When I Told You About My ‘Always Wanna Play The Innocent Role Of A Ex-Best Friend’? Well As Of Yesterday I Am Absolutely Positively Sure I HATE HER! Let Me Explain. Over The Past Few Weeks She Has Been Indirectly Saying Things About Me In Front Of Me. My Parents-Mostly My Mother-Told Me To Ignore It. This Worked For Awhile But Now I’m Tired. I Always Have To Hold My Tongue, Why? I’m Entitled To An Opinion Too. I Felt The Need To Speak Up Yesterday And All Of A Sudden I So Called Said I Wanted To Jump Her And Cursed Her Out. I Was Called Into The Dean’s Office To Explain What Happen And The Parts I Played.

Did I Forget To Mention Her Mother Called My Mother AGAIN? For The Third Time. My Mother Went Ballistic. Her Mom Said I Cursed Her Out And I Know For A Fact That I Didn’t. I Know I Made It Hard For My Parents To Trust Me But I Hate When I’m Telling The Truth And They Won’t Believe Me. Yesterday Night When I Was Telling My Mom The Story I Almost Started To Cry Because She Had This Look On Her Face That Showed She Was Unsure. I Finally Know How It Feels And That Hurts. I Have No Reason To Lie On My Blog. 98% Of You Guys Don’t Know Me So It Doesn’t Matter What I Tell You But I’m Trying To Change Into A 100% Honest Person And I Didn’t Curse At “That Girl.” I’m Furious And I Want This To Be Over, So That I Could Focus On Regaining My Parents Trust.

Expectations.

Why Do People We Love The Most Set The Highest Standards For Us? Is It Because We’re Great? Or Is It Because We Need The Push. I’ve Come To The Realization That It’s Because Of Love. We Put Our Family (Parent, Siblings, Uncle, Aunts, Etc…) On A Pedestal And Expect The World From Them Because We Expect Them To Be Perfect. We Expect Them To Not Fail And Always Do Right By Us. But How Can We Ask Someone To Do Something, We Can’t Do Ourselves?

Transformed.

How Do You Know When You’ve Changed? For Better Or Worst? I’ve Always Thought Of Changing A Different Way Of Saying Maturing. Your Not Intentionally Changing At Least I’m Not, I Just Changed. Now All The People Who Used To Be My Friends I’m Ashamed To Say I Even Knew Them But That’s What Life Comes Down Too. Growing Up…..