I like him so much it hurts, when I’m with him everything lights up. I forget about everything, school, my problems, tests, friends, and I like that. And he makes me laugh, and he handles me. It’s scary the way I’m falling for him. It’s sad because I think I have to tell him that I can’t be his friend, if that’s what we are. And I have to tell him I can’t have sex with him or spend the night because it’s not working the way it was supposed too. But I knew what it was, I know it’s just a fling and I know he doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, he doesn’t even see me that way. And I’m setting myself up for failure thinking I could just wait until the school year is over and he graduates, and we’ll move on with our lives like it never even happened. But when I’m not with him, all I want is to be with him, texting him, talking to him, but not really I just want to know how he feels. I’m afraid he might not even feel a way, he probably didn’t put any thought into it. I’m not sure of anything, but I’m sure that I’m falling, hard. And I love myself enough to stop myself from falling for someone who won’t catch me.
Being A Parent Comes With Scarifies. It Seems As If The World Doesn’t Understand That, Because It’s Like I Owe You Something. But I Never Asked To Be Here, Or To Take Up The Life That Has Been Force Upon Me. And Because Of The Position You Hold In My Life I Have To Give You Respect And Sit Here Humbly. I Also Realize Our Relationship Is Taking A Turn When I Begin Counting Down The Days Where I Can Support Myself, Where I No Longer Am Your Responsibility, Where The Word Disrespect Becomes Speaking My Mind, Where You Stop Being The Reason I Cry. And I Thought You Wanted Me To Be Great, To Accomplish The Things That I’ve Imagined In My Dreams. But It Make No Sense To Push And Encourage Me When You’re Also Going To Be The Thing That Hinders Me, That Deceives Me Into Believing That I Am Something Great. When My Life Is In The Palms Of Your Hand, And You Won’t Give Me What’s Mine To Take. Because I Never Asked To Be Here. I’m Just An Insignificant Piece Of The World That Could’ve Been Changed With The Fate Of One Egg. And Somewhere In Between, When Did Your Sacrifices Become Mine? And When Did I Have To Give Up Everything Just To Appease Your Sacrifice. But If This Life Was Never My Choice, Why Does It Have To Be My Lost? And Now I’m Giving Up Hope And Love, And Belief And Trust Because The Things I’m Supposed To Get Them Out Of Has Died. Being Here Wasn’t My Choice, But I’m Living By Choice, So When Do I Get To Take Over This Ride…
I Have To Act Like Things Don’t Faze Me. And I Have To Hold Back All The Tears That, I Always Want To Cry. I Have To Smile Even When I’m Dying Inside. And Even When Words Are Piercing My Skin Like A Dozen Bullets, I Have To Grind My Teeth And Act Like Everything Is Okay. Because I Have To Be The Strong One, At 17, I Have To Protect Everyone Around Me, And As A Result, I End Up Being The Only Person That Gets Hurt. I’ve Learned To Accept That. Pain And I Are Like Best Friends Because It’s A Constant Reminder That I Have To Keep Fighting For What I Want. I Found It Funny That In The Bible It Says, It Rains On The Just And The Unjust. And Rain Is Supposed To Be Considered This Bad Thing, And Yet, I Like The Rain. I Have To Act Naive, Like I Don’t Hear The Whispers And Hear My Name Through Walls, Because If I Choose To Become How Everyone Labels Me, I Wouldn’t Be Able To Survive In The World I Live In.
I Ask Myself, Why Do I Constantly Want To Be Alone. I Often Come Up Short With Answers, However That Doesn’t Last Too Long. People Annoy Me, Things Annoy Me, The World Annoys Me, And I’m Stuck Hating Everything And Everyone. I Just Don’t Understand Some People, Or Maybe It’s Just Me. Maybe My Definition Of Friendship Isn’t The Same As Everyone Else. Or Maybe I’m Crazy And I’m The One Who Has To Change. But Yet, I’m Keeping Everyone Happy, And I’m Stuck With The Same Problems. Different People, Different Days, But The Same Situations. And I Tolerate It, Why? Beats Me, Because I Honestly Don’t Know. When Is Enough, Enough? When Can I Finally Be The Person That’s Not Okay? When Can I Have Fun And Not Be So Serious All The Time? When Can I Be Myself And Not Adjust To The Person Everyone Want Me To Be? When Can I Just Be Me? Everyone Wants Me To Change But They Can’t See They’re Making Me The Person I Am Today. Angry, Doubtful, Unsure, Emotionless, Uncaring, Anti-social, And The List Goes On… I’m Living In A World With So Much People, And Yet I’m Alone. But I’m Not Lonely.
Today I Was Told From A Person I Just Met That I Have A Type A Personality. I Succeed In Everything That I Do But When I Stumble Upon New Challenges I Quit. I Was Also Told I Often Get Upset When I Don’t Understand Things And Tend To Beat Myself Down. And That I Need To Keep Pushing Myself To Realize It Isn’t That Hard. If I’m Being Honest With Myself, I Must Admit It’s True. Then I Found Myself Asking Myself Am I Afraid Of Failure? That’s Hard To Determine Since I Make Myself Thrive At What I Do, And Before I Reach The End Of Something That I Realize Is To Hard I Stop. I Am Afraid Of Being Hurt And Not Understanding Something Does Hurt Me. Many People Have Talents, And Knowledge Among Others Is Mine. I Find Myself Questioning, Is This Something I Need To Work On To Become A Better Person?
I Honestly Think The Past Eventually Catches Up With You… Today I Was By A Person That I No Longer Ever Wanted To Speak To. A Person I Was Upset With And Couldn’t Even Imagine Talking To Again Apologized To Me. Why? I’m Not Really Sure. And After That I Realized I Wasn’t Even Mad Because I Didn’t Care. So I Found Peace In Something I Had Forgotten About.
I Don’t Like For Anyone To See If I’m Not Feeling Well Or If I’m Sad Because I Feel Vulnerable. I Don’t Want To Seem Weak Because I Don’t Want To Be Taken Advantage Of.