Alone But Not Lonely

I Ask Myself, Why Do I Constantly Want To Be Alone. I Often Come Up Short With Answers, However That Doesn’t Last Too Long. People Annoy Me, Things Annoy Me, The World Annoys Me, And I’m Stuck Hating Everything And Everyone. I Just Don’t Understand Some People, Or Maybe It’s Just Me. Maybe My Definition Of Friendship Isn’t The Same As Everyone Else. Or Maybe I’m Crazy And I’m The One Who Has To Change. But Yet, I’m Keeping Everyone Happy, And I’m Stuck With The Same Problems. Different People, Different Days, But The Same Situations. And I Tolerate It, Why? Beats Me, Because I Honestly Don’t Know. When Is Enough, Enough? When Can I Finally Be The Person That’s Not Okay? When Can I Have Fun And Not Be So Serious All The Time? When Can I Be Myself And Not Adjust To The Person Everyone Want Me To Be? When Can I Just Be Me? Everyone Wants Me To Change But They Can’t See They’re Making Me The Person I Am Today. Angry, Doubtful, Unsure, Emotionless, Uncaring, Anti-social, And The List Goes On… I’m Living In A World With So Much People, And Yet I’m Alone. But I’m Not Lonely.

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Success Drives

Success Drives Me, But I Could Never Seem To Do It Alone. Every Time I Get A Good Idea Or A Plan About Something I Want To Do I Always Have To Drag Someone Along With Me. I Alternately Put In Most Or All Of The Work. I Don’t Know What I’m Afraid Of I’m All For Independence But Sometimes It’s Nice To Know I Have Someone Beside Me. I Have To Learn In Life There Is Going To Be Things I Have To Do Alone. Certain Things I Can’t Get Help With. The Thought Is Someone Frightening, Like Can I REALLY Make It Alone? By Myself? Well I Guess I’ll Have Too Because 99.99 Percent Of The Time I Spend More Time Dragging The People I Want To Standing Beside Me Instead Of Us Enjoying The Moments Together. My New Motto “Stop Dragging, Start Living”.

Mistakes Happen; But Am I?

I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.

From Child To Parent

I Went To The Doctor And My Mom Came. Usually She’s Comes In The Room, Nothing New. But My Previous Visit To The Doctor (2011), My Doctor Discovered My Tattoo On My Stomach And The Piercing In My Belly. Conveniently My Mother Wasn’t There. In That Visit My Doctor Explained That Honesty Was A Good Thing And I Should Be Honest And Let My Parents Know. Some Who Read My Blog Knows The Story Of How My Mother Came To Find Out About My Tattoo, (My EX-Bestfriend Got Caught Blah Blah Blah Next Five Minutes I’m Going Down Too, One Word BETRAYAL, Hence The Ex Before Bestfriend) My Parents Were Really Upset, What Parents Wouldn’t Be? They Nearly Killed Me, And In That Time They Told Me If There Was Anything They Should Know About I Should Come Clean And Let Them Know Now. I Was So Scared In That Moment I Said There Was Nothing They Should Know, And I Was Sure Of It. I Hate Being In The Position Where My Parents And I Are On Bad Terms. Prior To That Moment I Removed My Piercing Because I Was Trying To Make My Relationship With My Parents Better. Now In This Present Moment The Doctor Said “I See You’ve Removed Your Piercing But You Still Have Your Tattoo” Right In Front Of My Mother…My Heart Stopped. When My Mother Asked If I Had A Piercing, I Was Honest And Said Yes. She Was So Upset Walked Out And Immediately Called My Father. The Old Me Would’ve Been Balling In Tears Pleading For My Life But I Just Couldn’t. I Had No More Tears. I’ve Been In This Position So Many Times I Am Numb When It Comes To It. I Couldn’t Bring Myself To Cry It Was More Hilarious Than Anything Else. Not Because I Didn’t Care But Because I’m Finally Free.  My Parents Didn’t Understand That I Removed My Piercing To Gain A Better Relationship With Them, Not Appease Them. But Without That Understanding They Said They No Longer Trust Me. Which I’ve Heard Before. But I Can’t Stop Smiling, I Know They’ll Come Around But Until Then I’m On Strike. I Refuse To Have Any Conversation With Them Unless, They Need Me Or I Need Them. Nevertheless I Still Have My Phone Which I’m SHOCKED About, Usually They Would’ve Taken It And I’m Awaiting The Moment. But With Or Without My Phone I’m Happy, I Like To Read And Write So Unless Their Planning To Lock Me In A Room With Nothing … I’ll Be Fine.

Friends Or Enemies?

Sometimes We Often Think That We Can rust Our Friends To Be There For Us. And Then Realization Pops Up. Yesterday A Girl I Knew Since 6 Grade I Realized I No Longer Wanted To Associate Myself With. No, She Isn’t Aware Of This Because I’m Old Enough To Not Argue Over Friendships And Why People Act The Way They Do. I’m Not Anyone’s Mother And I Refuse To Treat People My Age, Like I Have To Watch Them. I Can’t Constantly Look Over My Back To See Who Really My Friend And Who’s Really Not. I Am Far Past That Age And Indulging In This Isn’t Going To Make My Life Any Better.