I like him so much it hurts, when I’m with him everything lights up. I forget about everything, school, my problems, tests, friends, and I like that. And he makes me laugh, and he handles me. It’s scary the way I’m falling for him. It’s sad because I think I have to tell him that I can’t be his friend, if that’s what we are. And I have to tell him I can’t have sex with him or spend the night because it’s not working the way it was supposed too. But I knew what it was, I know it’s just a fling and I know he doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, he doesn’t even see me that way. And I’m setting myself up for failure thinking I could just wait until the school year is over and he graduates, and we’ll move on with our lives like it never even happened. But when I’m not with him, all I want is to be with him, texting him, talking to him, but not really I just want to know how he feels. I’m afraid he might not even feel a way, he probably didn’t put any thought into it. I’m not sure of anything, but I’m sure that I’m falling, hard. And I love myself enough to stop myself from falling for someone who won’t catch me.
Success Drives Me, But I Could Never Seem To Do It Alone. Every Time I Get A Good Idea Or A Plan About Something I Want To Do I Always Have To Drag Someone Along With Me. I Alternately Put In Most Or All Of The Work. I Don’t Know What I’m Afraid Of I’m All For Independence But Sometimes It’s Nice To Know I Have Someone Beside Me. I Have To Learn In Life There Is Going To Be Things I Have To Do Alone. Certain Things I Can’t Get Help With. The Thought Is Someone Frightening, Like Can I REALLY Make It Alone? By Myself? Well I Guess I’ll Have Too Because 99.99 Percent Of The Time I Spend More Time Dragging The People I Want To Standing Beside Me Instead Of Us Enjoying The Moments Together. My New Motto “Stop Dragging, Start Living”.
I’m Like A New Deck Of Cards. I Look Nice And Fun To Play With And When You Get Bored I’m Here. You Lose Me, Look For Me, Find Me, And Put Me Back In My Box So Next Time When Your Ready You Know Where To Find Me. Over Time As You Keep Using Me For What I Have, I Get Worn Out And Old. Even When You Grow Out Of Me And Forget About Me, I’m Still Here. I’m Here When Days Get Lonely And You Want To Find Yourself. I’m Here When You Need To Sort Things Out. And That Just The Thing, I’m Always Here. Even When I Get Hurt, I’m Here. Even When I’m Forgotten, I’m Here. But At the End Of It All, I’m Just A Pack Of Cards. I Can’t Control How You Feel About Me Or Why. I Can’t Control Your Lost Of Interest. I Cant Control How You Treat Me And Use Me. I Cant Control That Even After I Know How Things Are, I Get Caught Up And Lose Self Meaning. But I Can Control The Game, So Chose Your Cards Wisely.
I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.
Yesterday I Had To Go To My School To Take My Global Regents (NOT My Favorite Subject) I Stayed Up All Night Studying Preparing Myself For The Thematic Essay.-Fast Forward- So Now I’m Sitting In Front Of This Test Booklet And I’m Just So Confused As To Why They Gave Us A Stupid Theme, Meanwhile The Only One I Didn’t Study. I Told Myself Not To Panic I’ll Do It Last So Could Think. I Do The Multiple Choice, Then The DBQ’s, Then The DBQ Essay, And Now I’m Back On The Thematic Essay. I Look At The Board To See How Much Time I Had Left … 21 Minutes. I Felt The Tears Coming But I Stayed Strong, I Had To At Least Try To Finish. So I Wrote Six Paragraphs Of Crap And Left. As Soon As I Got Outside I Started To Break A Down. I’m Not A Very Good Multiple Choice Taker So I Was Counting On My Essay’s To Help Me Past And I Was So Disappointed. My Friends Were There For Me Trying To Comfort Me While Everyone Else Was Upset That I Was Crying Because The Said They Knew For A Fact I Did Better Than Them And They Laughed At The Fact That They Didn’t Even Get A Chance To Start The Essay… How Stupid Is That. My Achievements Mean The World To Me. People Could Say I’m Sensitive And A Whole Bunch Of Bull But Wherever I Go In Life I’m Pretty Sure I Won’t See Any Of Them There. I’m Passionate About What I Do, And No One Seems To Understand That. I Know I Could Always Take The Test Over, But Failing Affect Me As A Person. I Don’t Think I’m A Failure And I Don’t Think I’m Perfect But I Will Try My Hardest Making Sure I Succeed.
Sometimes We Often Think That We Can rust Our Friends To Be There For Us. And Then Realization Pops Up. Yesterday A Girl I Knew Since 6 Grade I Realized I No Longer Wanted To Associate Myself With. No, She Isn’t Aware Of This Because I’m Old Enough To Not Argue Over Friendships And Why People Act The Way They Do. I’m Not Anyone’s Mother And I Refuse To Treat People My Age, Like I Have To Watch Them. I Can’t Constantly Look Over My Back To See Who Really My Friend And Who’s Really Not. I Am Far Past That Age And Indulging In This Isn’t Going To Make My Life Any Better.
I am Karen Herbert.
The paper, the pen, and the words,
The feathers of the wings on a bird.
I am a supportive friend,
The stitching of something that thread mends.
I am tenacious,
I am a long lasting revaluation.
I am strong,
The lyrics of a beautiful song.
I am an illusion,
The strive, the push, and the conclusion.
I am scared,
Living live with nothing but fear.
I am complication,
50 plus 50 an easy equation.
I am smiles and laughter,
Looking for my happily ever after.