I like him so much it hurts, when I’m with him everything lights up. I forget about everything, school, my problems, tests, friends, and I like that. And he makes me laugh, and he handles me. It’s scary the way I’m falling for him. It’s sad because I think I have to tell him that I can’t be his friend, if that’s what we are. And I have to tell him I can’t have sex with him or spend the night because it’s not working the way it was supposed too. But I knew what it was, I know it’s just a fling and I know he doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, he doesn’t even see me that way. And I’m setting myself up for failure thinking I could just wait until the school year is over and he graduates, and we’ll move on with our lives like it never even happened. But when I’m not with him, all I want is to be with him, texting him, talking to him, but not really I just want to know how he feels. I’m afraid he might not even feel a way, he probably didn’t put any thought into it. I’m not sure of anything, but I’m sure that I’m falling, hard. And I love myself enough to stop myself from falling for someone who won’t catch me.
I Have To Act Like Things Don’t Faze Me. And I Have To Hold Back All The Tears That, I Always Want To Cry. I Have To Smile Even When I’m Dying Inside. And Even When Words Are Piercing My Skin Like A Dozen Bullets, I Have To Grind My Teeth And Act Like Everything Is Okay. Because I Have To Be The Strong One, At 17, I Have To Protect Everyone Around Me, And As A Result, I End Up Being The Only Person That Gets Hurt. I’ve Learned To Accept That. Pain And I Are Like Best Friends Because It’s A Constant Reminder That I Have To Keep Fighting For What I Want. I Found It Funny That In The Bible It Says, It Rains On The Just And The Unjust. And Rain Is Supposed To Be Considered This Bad Thing, And Yet, I Like The Rain. I Have To Act Naive, Like I Don’t Hear The Whispers And Hear My Name Through Walls, Because If I Choose To Become How Everyone Labels Me, I Wouldn’t Be Able To Survive In The World I Live In.
Hello Guys, I Learned Something Today. You Can’t Trust Some People Because You’ll Realize They’re Using You And Without Them Noticing You Figured It Out, They’ll Continue. Stupidity Is Blinding. For Me It’s Simple I Just Pull Myself Away Because I Rather Be Alone With A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don’t Like Me Than Surrounded With A Whole Bunch Of People Pretending To Like Me. At Least I Know Where I Stand.
I Haven’t Been On Here In Awhile And I Didn’t Think My First Post Would Have Been Me Upset And At 2:16 am On A Friday Morning. I Went Out And Prior To That I Asked My Father for My Keys, The Keys By The Way That I Lent To Him Because He Had “Visitors” Staying At His Home. He Said No And Now I’m Calling Everyone And Their Mother To Open The Door For Me And Everyone Wants To Move All Slow Like I Wasn’t Waiting Outside. And The Door Slams If You Don’t Catch It And On This Particular Occasion The Very LAST Thing On M Mind Is Catching The Door Because Now I’m Upset. As A Result Of That My Baby Sister Destiny Starts To Cry. Let Me Just Point Out That This Could Have All Been Avoid If He Had Just Given Me The Keys. It’s Clear To Me Now That There Isn’t Enough Space In This House For Me. Now That My Father And His Wife Has Their Baby, She Has Taken My Spot, Kind Of What Some People Wanted All Along. But I’m Old Enough And I’m Able To Understand The Things I Couldn’t Understand When I Was Younger. I Can’t Even Be Hurt, I’m Just So Pissed Off Because It’s Like When I Was Younger All Over Again. He Wasn’t There Then, Apparently He Won’t Be Here Now.
Sometimes We Often Think That We Can rust Our Friends To Be There For Us. And Then Realization Pops Up. Yesterday A Girl I Knew Since 6 Grade I Realized I No Longer Wanted To Associate Myself With. No, She Isn’t Aware Of This Because I’m Old Enough To Not Argue Over Friendships And Why People Act The Way They Do. I’m Not Anyone’s Mother And I Refuse To Treat People My Age, Like I Have To Watch Them. I Can’t Constantly Look Over My Back To See Who Really My Friend And Who’s Really Not. I Am Far Past That Age And Indulging In This Isn’t Going To Make My Life Any Better.
From An Outsiders Perspective You Can’t Fully Understand Everything I Experience. Even If I Try To Explain It To You, You Still Wont Get It. Today (No Exaggeration) I Nearly Died. I Had To Run A Lot Of Blocks, And When I Stopped I Couldn’t Breathe. My Chest Was Hurting Like Hell And The Only Person In The World That Seemed To Matter To Me Was My Sister. Through All Our Fights And Arguments She Never Left My Side. When I Needed Her The Most She Was There, She Always Is. It Made Me Feel So Awful Because Of All The Times I’ve Been Really Nasty To Her, In That Moment It Didn’t Matter To Her. I Love My Sister To Death And This Was A Rude Awakening That I Need To Value Our Relationship Just A Little Bit More. I Need To Change As A Person Because Without The People Who Care About Me Enough To Put Up With My Crap, I Would Be Broken.
Good Night Or Should I Say Good Morning. Today Was So Good, I Tell Myself This And I Am Fine With It. I’m Taking Control. I Realized This Day Was Going Too Perfect And I Was Prepared For Reality To Set Which It Did Eventually. I Lost My Earring In School And Had To Go Home Earring-less. Earrings Bring Out My Face So On My Way Home I Was ‘Plain Jane-Well Plain Karen But-‘ And Then I Get Home, Time Has Past And I Discover My Tablet Broken. It Is White When I Turn It On And I Don’t Even Understand How That Came About. I Was At School All Day And I Didn’t Touch It Until That Very Moment. I’m Upset At This Point, It Was A Gift And When I Told My Mother She Said The Most Unbelievable Thing To Me “Well You Want To Be Careless…” CARELESS? CARELESS? I Know For A Fact That I Am Not, I Take Care Of What’s Mine Because I Value My Things. I Know For A Fact That I Do, For A Fact. At That Point I Just Wanted To Go To Bed, I Go To Brush My Hair And I Placed My Glasses On The Sink And It Broke. What The Hell? I Didn’t Drop It Hard I Would Never, You Know Why? Because I Need It To See. I Could See Without Them But Everything Becomes Clearer. So As You Can See I Had A Horrible Day And It Hasn’t Ended Yet. 😦 😦 :(- Good Night.