Some times I want to stand on top of the highest building and share my pain with the world. Some times I get so confused with everything and everyone around me that I forget who I am. And I’m scared of what the future holds, I’m scared that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I literally sit and think myself to the point of my eyes burning but I can’t bring myself to cry because it’s pointless. And I feel so numb, so unfufilled, so empty. And I want to find purpose. I want to be who I was born to be. And then I ask myself who am I? But I’m confused at the question myself because I was pretty sure I knew exactly who I was. Then there’s word like was, that halts me. I should know who I am, I shouldn’t be unsure. But my world is always consumed by other peoples live, and problems, that there is no time for me. No time for me to find myself because I’m so busy finding everyone else. And it’s funny that I know the problem, and possibly the solution but I’m still faced with who am I? I’ve become everyone’s definition of me that it took over and washed away the real me. And I’ve pushed and fought but it was too much because I had too many people viewing me, loudly. Putting their judgments on me, and their perceptions of who I should be, and their morals and their beliefs, and their meanings of Karen Marie. But when can their theirs, be what’s coming from me? And I’m so much grounded, deep within my facade, that even I began to believe what everyone had to say. And because my inner voice had gotten so small, when it started to shout, I started hitting into brick walls because I didn’t know my own voice. I’m a stranger to myself. I’m crying out, trying to find help but the only person that can help me is me. So I sink into the ironic familiar feeling of loneliness, to discover who I am.
Being A Parent Comes With Scarifies. It Seems As If The World Doesn’t Understand That, Because It’s Like I Owe You Something. But I Never Asked To Be Here, Or To Take Up The Life That Has Been Force Upon Me. And Because Of The Position You Hold In My Life I Have To Give You Respect And Sit Here Humbly. I Also Realize Our Relationship Is Taking A Turn When I Begin Counting Down The Days Where I Can Support Myself, Where I No Longer Am Your Responsibility, Where The Word Disrespect Becomes Speaking My Mind, Where You Stop Being The Reason I Cry. And I Thought You Wanted Me To Be Great, To Accomplish The Things That I’ve Imagined In My Dreams. But It Make No Sense To Push And Encourage Me When You’re Also Going To Be The Thing That Hinders Me, That Deceives Me Into Believing That I Am Something Great. When My Life Is In The Palms Of Your Hand, And You Won’t Give Me What’s Mine To Take. Because I Never Asked To Be Here. I’m Just An Insignificant Piece Of The World That Could’ve Been Changed With The Fate Of One Egg. And Somewhere In Between, When Did Your Sacrifices Become Mine? And When Did I Have To Give Up Everything Just To Appease Your Sacrifice. But If This Life Was Never My Choice, Why Does It Have To Be My Lost? And Now I’m Giving Up Hope And Love, And Belief And Trust Because The Things I’m Supposed To Get Them Out Of Has Died. Being Here Wasn’t My Choice, But I’m Living By Choice, So When Do I Get To Take Over This Ride…
Today Was My Sister’s Graduation …. It Was A Bitter Sweet Moment. I’m Happy For Her But Now She’s One Step Closer To Leaving Me Behind. Over The Course Of Some Weeks We Have Gotten Into Various Arguments. Before I Found Myself Blaming Myself For Everything But It’s Not All Me. She Pushes My Buttons And I Allow Myself To Retaliate; It;s The Circle Of Life. I Always Thought Of My Sister As Someone Sweet And Kind But She’s Changing. Everyone Told Her She Should Toughen Up, But Not Like This. Lashing Out And Being Down Right Mean And Nasty Because She Had A Bad Day Isn’t Nice. Somethings Have To Change.
I’m Like A New Deck Of Cards. I Look Nice And Fun To Play With And When You Get Bored I’m Here. You Lose Me, Look For Me, Find Me, And Put Me Back In My Box So Next Time When Your Ready You Know Where To Find Me. Over Time As You Keep Using Me For What I Have, I Get Worn Out And Old. Even When You Grow Out Of Me And Forget About Me, I’m Still Here. I’m Here When Days Get Lonely And You Want To Find Yourself. I’m Here When You Need To Sort Things Out. And That Just The Thing, I’m Always Here. Even When I Get Hurt, I’m Here. Even When I’m Forgotten, I’m Here. But At the End Of It All, I’m Just A Pack Of Cards. I Can’t Control How You Feel About Me Or Why. I Can’t Control Your Lost Of Interest. I Cant Control How You Treat Me And Use Me. I Cant Control That Even After I Know How Things Are, I Get Caught Up And Lose Self Meaning. But I Can Control The Game, So Chose Your Cards Wisely.
Today Was Actually A Pretty Good Day. I Went To School And Got There Early. And I Also Got My Report Card And My Average Went Up. From 88 To 91 And I Am So Proud Of Myself.The Day Went By Semi-Fast. I Decided To Take The Long Way Home On The Bus To Spend Time Alone And When It Got To My Stop And I Got Off, I Felt Drizzles. Whoever Reads My Blog Know That I Love And Adore The Rain. In That Split Second I Didn’t Think About My Hair Or My Flats Getting Wet; It Was Just Me And The Rain. Thankfully I Had An Umbrella And Got Home Dry. When I Got In The House I Was Glad To See That No One Was There. It Gave Me An Opportunity To Run Butt Naked Around The House Lol (Just Kidding) It Gave Me Time To Read It Peace. I Actually Started Crying While I Was Reading “Betrayed” By P.C Cast And Kristin Cast, Because The Main Character Zoey, Best Friend/Roommate Stevie Rae Died And It Just Hurt My Heart. I Don’t Like To Think About Death, It’s Sad. (Really Quick Before I Cry I Want To Say I’m Sorry To Everyone Who Lost Someone Or Got Hurt During The Boston Marathon Bombing. Just Know I Will Pray For Everyone And I Hope You Can Be Strong) Then I Went To Sleep For About 5 Hours (It Was Great) And Now I’m Here Writing This. Sorry If You Didn’t Have A Great Day, Maybe Tomorrow Would Be Different. On That Note, Good Night.
I am Karen Herbert.
The paper, the pen, and the words,
The feathers of the wings on a bird.
I am a supportive friend,
The stitching of something that thread mends.
I am tenacious,
I am a long lasting revaluation.
I am strong,
The lyrics of a beautiful song.
I am an illusion,
The strive, the push, and the conclusion.
I am scared,
Living live with nothing but fear.
I am complication,
50 plus 50 an easy equation.
I am smiles and laughter,
Looking for my happily ever after.
So My Father’s Wife Did My Hair- Haven’t Master Calling Her “Stepmom”-And My Mother Wasn’t Too Happy About It. She Was Really And She Doesn’t Like Her And I Understand. For Nights I Cried Myself To Sleep Because I Didn’t Have A Father And He Was Off With Someone Else. And For Years I Blamed Her But It Wasn’t Mainly Her Fault. It Was My Dad’s, He Left, He Didn’t Call, And He Took Everything…..