All I ever want to do is share my stories and took people with my words… but I can’t find what makes it real
I like him so much it hurts, when I’m with him everything lights up. I forget about everything, school, my problems, tests, friends, and I like that. And he makes me laugh, and he handles me. It’s scary the way I’m falling for him. It’s sad because I think I have to tell him that I can’t be his friend, if that’s what we are. And I have to tell him I can’t have sex with him or spend the night because it’s not working the way it was supposed too. But I knew what it was, I know it’s just a fling and I know he doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, he doesn’t even see me that way. And I’m setting myself up for failure thinking I could just wait until the school year is over and he graduates, and we’ll move on with our lives like it never even happened. But when I’m not with him, all I want is to be with him, texting him, talking to him, but not really I just want to know how he feels. I’m afraid he might not even feel a way, he probably didn’t put any thought into it. I’m not sure of anything, but I’m sure that I’m falling, hard. And I love myself enough to stop myself from falling for someone who won’t catch me.
Some times I want to stand on top of the highest building and share my pain with the world. Some times I get so confused with everything and everyone around me that I forget who I am. And I’m scared of what the future holds, I’m scared that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I literally sit and think myself to the point of my eyes burning but I can’t bring myself to cry because it’s pointless. And I feel so numb, so unfufilled, so empty. And I want to find purpose. I want to be who I was born to be. And then I ask myself who am I? But I’m confused at the question myself because I was pretty sure I knew exactly who I was. Then there’s word like was, that halts me. I should know who I am, I shouldn’t be unsure. But my world is always consumed by other peoples live, and problems, that there is no time for me. No time for me to find myself because I’m so busy finding everyone else. And it’s funny that I know the problem, and possibly the solution but I’m still faced with who am I? I’ve become everyone’s definition of me that it took over and washed away the real me. And I’ve pushed and fought but it was too much because I had too many people viewing me, loudly. Putting their judgments on me, and their perceptions of who I should be, and their morals and their beliefs, and their meanings of Karen Marie. But when can their theirs, be what’s coming from me? And I’m so much grounded, deep within my facade, that even I began to believe what everyone had to say. And because my inner voice had gotten so small, when it started to shout, I started hitting into brick walls because I didn’t know my own voice. I’m a stranger to myself. I’m crying out, trying to find help but the only person that can help me is me. So I sink into the ironic familiar feeling of loneliness, to discover who I am.
I Don’t Understand How The World We Live In Works Some Times. I’ve Been Working So Have To Be The Valedictorian Or The Salutatorian At My School And It Seems Like My Principal Has Done Everything In Her Power To Hinder Me. I Have Been In That School Since The Sixth Grade. Shouldn’t She Be Proud For Me To Be On The Top, Unfortunately I Believe She Is Not. So In The End She Succeeded And I’m No Longer Any Of The Two. With Graduation Less Than 2 Weeks Away, The Opportunities I Have Been Reaching For For Four Years Have Been Snatched Away From Me. For A While I Tried To pretend That I Was Okay With Whatever Decision She Came To, But I’m Not. I’m Angry, I’m So Angry To The Point Where I Began To Cry. No One Really Understands Because They View It As Just A Title But It’s So Much More Than That To Me. It’s My Accomplishments, And It’s What I’ve Worked So Hard For. And It Was So Close And The Person That Stood In Between Me And The Thing i Wanted The Most, Has Taken It Away From Me. Why Can’t I Just Get Awarded What I Know I Worked So Hard For? Why Can’t I Get What I Want For A Change? They’re Are Students Out There Who Aren’t Even Focused On Their Education As Much As I Am Or Dedicated And Those Are Mostly The Students Who Think It’s Dumb Of Me To Be Crying Over Something As “Stupid” As A Title. But It’s Different, It’s My Success And I Want Whats Due To Me, I Want My Credit.
Being A Parent Comes With Scarifies. It Seems As If The World Doesn’t Understand That, Because It’s Like I Owe You Something. But I Never Asked To Be Here, Or To Take Up The Life That Has Been Force Upon Me. And Because Of The Position You Hold In My Life I Have To Give You Respect And Sit Here Humbly. I Also Realize Our Relationship Is Taking A Turn When I Begin Counting Down The Days Where I Can Support Myself, Where I No Longer Am Your Responsibility, Where The Word Disrespect Becomes Speaking My Mind, Where You Stop Being The Reason I Cry. And I Thought You Wanted Me To Be Great, To Accomplish The Things That I’ve Imagined In My Dreams. But It Make No Sense To Push And Encourage Me When You’re Also Going To Be The Thing That Hinders Me, That Deceives Me Into Believing That I Am Something Great. When My Life Is In The Palms Of Your Hand, And You Won’t Give Me What’s Mine To Take. Because I Never Asked To Be Here. I’m Just An Insignificant Piece Of The World That Could’ve Been Changed With The Fate Of One Egg. And Somewhere In Between, When Did Your Sacrifices Become Mine? And When Did I Have To Give Up Everything Just To Appease Your Sacrifice. But If This Life Was Never My Choice, Why Does It Have To Be My Lost? And Now I’m Giving Up Hope And Love, And Belief And Trust Because The Things I’m Supposed To Get Them Out Of Has Died. Being Here Wasn’t My Choice, But I’m Living By Choice, So When Do I Get To Take Over This Ride…
I Have To Act Like Things Don’t Faze Me. And I Have To Hold Back All The Tears That, I Always Want To Cry. I Have To Smile Even When I’m Dying Inside. And Even When Words Are Piercing My Skin Like A Dozen Bullets, I Have To Grind My Teeth And Act Like Everything Is Okay. Because I Have To Be The Strong One, At 17, I Have To Protect Everyone Around Me, And As A Result, I End Up Being The Only Person That Gets Hurt. I’ve Learned To Accept That. Pain And I Are Like Best Friends Because It’s A Constant Reminder That I Have To Keep Fighting For What I Want. I Found It Funny That In The Bible It Says, It Rains On The Just And The Unjust. And Rain Is Supposed To Be Considered This Bad Thing, And Yet, I Like The Rain. I Have To Act Naive, Like I Don’t Hear The Whispers And Hear My Name Through Walls, Because If I Choose To Become How Everyone Labels Me, I Wouldn’t Be Able To Survive In The World I Live In.
Some People Are Living In A World Where Their Biggest Problem Is They Didn’t Do Their Homework, Or They Forgot Today Was Monday.. But Some People Like Me Aren’t That Fortunate, And I’m Wondering If I’ll Even Have A Home To Go Home Too. Stuck Wondering When Is Enough Ever Going To Be Enough, Because The Struggles Seems Endless And There Just Isn’t That Much Fight Left In Me. It’s Not Like I Don’t Try. I Try My Hardest And Yet It’s Like There’s Everything Working Against Me. Sometimes I Just Want To Stand On Top Of The Highest Building And Scream, Just To Share My Pain With The World…..