Growing And Evolving

I Find Myself Opening Up To My Father More. At First I Was Nervous But Now It’s Like Some Times I Want To Get Stuff Off My Chest And The Only Way Is To Express Myself And As A Result I Start Opening Up.

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Blinded By Hurt

I’m Not A Selfish Person, I Know I Can Have Everything That I Want. But When You’ve Been Waiting Like Three Years For Something, You Want It More Everyday. It’s Just Not Fair That For A Person That Has To Work For Everything She Wants, It’s Always That Person Or That Thing That Doesn’t Thing You Deserve It. I Watch People Who Don’t Deserve Anything, Who Don’t Have To Work For Anything, Get Everything. It Wasn’t My Choice To Be Here But The Least I Could Decide Is The Little Things I Want. I Don’t Really Ask For Anything Because I Believe If I Want Something, I Have To Be Responsible And Get It On My Own. But Every Once In A Blue Moon I Can’t Control Everything And I Can’t Decide Things On My Own And I Have To Wait For Others.-If I Was Him She Wouldn’t Have Cared If HE Apologized, Because Her Love For Him Would Be More. If I Was Him, I Could Say Anything I Want, Even If She Cried And Know By Tomorrow, I’ll Still Have Her On My Side. But I’m Not Him, I’m Me And She Always Wants An Apology, Makes Me Cry, And It’s Not Us Against The World.-It’s Me Against The World. Every Time I Cry, I Remind Myself, This Is Why I Work So Hard, Because I Never Want Anyone To Make Me Cry Again.

Mistakes Happen; But Am I?

I Always Wonder What The Future Would Be Like. What My Husband Or Kids Would Look Like, If I’m Going To Get My Dream And Be A Writer/Actress/Teacher. Sometimes I Wonder How I Would Treat My Kids, Would I Yell At Them And Make Them Hate Me? Every Time I Get Into An Argument Or Disagreement I Promise Myself I Would Never Allow My Children To Feel What I Feel Like When My Parent Talk To Me. I Won’t Belittle Them Or Try To Patronize Them. Because It Hurts, To Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life. To Feel Nothing Matters, Your Just A Child And You Aren’t Supposed To Think Or Experience Things. But That Hurts, It Hurts To Bottle Everything Up With The People Around You Having No Clue What You Go Threw, The Thoughts That Goes Threw Your Head On A Day To Day Basis. I Could Never Imagine My Children Feeling How I Feel Sometimes. I Promise To Never Make Them Feel Like They Were A Mistake, I Sure As Hell Wish Someone Was Here To Tell Me I Wasn’t.

Good Morning ….!!!!

Hello Wonderful People, I Believe Today Will Be A Good Day (Hopefully), Last Night My Mother Was On The Phone With My Father (No Longer Married But Still Interacts) And She Said She Still Haven’t Address My Issues (Referring To When She Found Out About My Belly Piercing-3days ago) So I’m Thinking When She Does Address It Should I Apologize? That’s What She Would Be Expecting Because “It’s The Right Thing To Do” But Come On. She Doesn’t Even Know My Reasoning Behind Taking It Out And I’m Not Telling Her. And I Don’t Want To Get Into All The Details Because She Said She Doesn’t Really Care. And Too Top Things Off, Remember That Ex-Bestfriend After The Whole Tattoo Thing We’ve Have Conflict Like Physical Conflict And She Would Say Little Comment Here And There While My Mother Told Me Not To Engage In It, And One Of Those Comments Were “Every Thinks Karen Is So Innocent Because She Goes To Church, But They Don’t Know The Half Of What She Does.” … If You Look Like :O , That Was My Face Too. Well My Mother Said She’s Glad She Said That And She’s Glad She’s Been Saying Little Things To Me Because I Deserved It And If She Was Too See My Ex-Bestfriend On The Street She Would Tell Her Thank You …. Yes My Mother, The One Who Raised Me Through Hell And Back, The One I Adored, The One I Loved Til The Ends Of The Earth, The One I Looked Up Too, The One That Even Though She Didn’t Trust Me I Trusted Her With All My Heart … Now Look At All The D’s-Raised, Adored, Loved, Looked, Trusted- That’s Where She Put Me …

From Child To Parent

I Went To The Doctor And My Mom Came. Usually She’s Comes In The Room, Nothing New. But My Previous Visit To The Doctor (2011), My Doctor Discovered My Tattoo On My Stomach And The Piercing In My Belly. Conveniently My Mother Wasn’t There. In That Visit My Doctor Explained That Honesty Was A Good Thing And I Should Be Honest And Let My Parents Know. Some Who Read My Blog Knows The Story Of How My Mother Came To Find Out About My Tattoo, (My EX-Bestfriend Got Caught Blah Blah Blah Next Five Minutes I’m Going Down Too, One Word BETRAYAL, Hence The Ex Before Bestfriend) My Parents Were Really Upset, What Parents Wouldn’t Be? They Nearly Killed Me, And In That Time They Told Me If There Was Anything They Should Know About I Should Come Clean And Let Them Know Now. I Was So Scared In That Moment I Said There Was Nothing They Should Know, And I Was Sure Of It. I Hate Being In The Position Where My Parents And I Are On Bad Terms. Prior To That Moment I Removed My Piercing Because I Was Trying To Make My Relationship With My Parents Better. Now In This Present Moment The Doctor Said “I See You’ve Removed Your Piercing But You Still Have Your Tattoo” Right In Front Of My Mother…My Heart Stopped. When My Mother Asked If I Had A Piercing, I Was Honest And Said Yes. She Was So Upset Walked Out And Immediately Called My Father. The Old Me Would’ve Been Balling In Tears Pleading For My Life But I Just Couldn’t. I Had No More Tears. I’ve Been In This Position So Many Times I Am Numb When It Comes To It. I Couldn’t Bring Myself To Cry It Was More Hilarious Than Anything Else. Not Because I Didn’t Care But Because I’m Finally Free.  My Parents Didn’t Understand That I Removed My Piercing To Gain A Better Relationship With Them, Not Appease Them. But Without That Understanding They Said They No Longer Trust Me. Which I’ve Heard Before. But I Can’t Stop Smiling, I Know They’ll Come Around But Until Then I’m On Strike. I Refuse To Have Any Conversation With Them Unless, They Need Me Or I Need Them. Nevertheless I Still Have My Phone Which I’m SHOCKED About, Usually They Would’ve Taken It And I’m Awaiting The Moment. But With Or Without My Phone I’m Happy, I Like To Read And Write So Unless Their Planning To Lock Me In A Room With Nothing … I’ll Be Fine.

Just To Be Clear….

Whenever Something Happens To Me I Have To Write It In That Moment. Some Of The Things I Say Is Mostly Out Of Anger And Hurt. I Would Be Lying If I Said I Didn’t Mean What I Said, Because I Did Mean It. I Meant It If I Said I Hate You And I Hate How You Make Me Feel But Here’s The Thing, I Meant It In That Moment. Everyone Feels Hate Just As Much As Love. I Choose To Write About It Because I Have No Other Way To Express Who I Feel. I Tried, I Tried So Hard To Bottle Everything Up And Keep In My Pain And Hurt But I Never Get Over It, I Hold On To It. When I Write About It, I Let It Go And Set It Free And This Helps Me See The Bigger Picture. Yes My Mother Annoys Me And Pisses Me Off And I Even Hate What She Does But At The End Of It All, She’s My Mom. She Was There Through It All When No One Else In World Even Knew About Me. Quick Story: You Know If It Wasn’t For My Mom I Wouldn’t Be Born. Her And My Father Decided To Get An Abortion When She Was Pregnant With Me. And She Couldn’t Go Through With It….I Try To Remember This Every Time She Makes Me Mad And It Always Seems To Slip My Mind. So Even If I Say Things About My Mom I Still Love Her.

What Parents Think, What We Know

My Mother Can Be Very Manipulative At Times And I Hate That. Parents Always Feel They Do A Lot And All Kids Have To Do Is Go To School So We Don’t Really Have A “Life”. But Parents Don’t Know The Half Of It. The Constant Studying, Keeping Up With Chores, Of Course We Can’t Miss Our Shows, And Then Boys Are Ten Different Issues By Itself. So See I’m Pretty Busy And That Means I Get Stressed And Tired Like Every Other Person In The World. My Mother Asked Me To Help Her And I Begin To Complain 1) Because When Someone Asks You To Do Something, You Usually Have A Choice, But My Mother Makes Me Do Whatever It Is. 2) Because When She Asked The Day Before It Was Only One Thing And That One Became Several. She Gets Mad At Me, Tells Me Forget It, And To NEVER Ask For Anything Again. Clearly My Mother Needs A Serious Attitude Adjustment And A Some Therapy. Anyone In Their Right Mind Can See How Unfair She Is. Oh Wait That’s Not Even The Best Part, I Asked Her For Money And Got Nothing. How Awesome, Right? -______- Well I’m A Survivor And If She Refuses To Give Me Things I Will Become Antisocial Karen. And She Thinks I Get An Attitude For No Reason. On Another Note I Finally Saw The Movie ‘Big Miracle’ (Old But I Don’t Care) I’m A Sucker For Animals, Especially When Their Helpless. The Whales Were So Adorable And When The Little One Died…. ;( Good Night, Have A Get Day Tomorrow And Enjoy Your Sleep.